Original Prompt VIPER
Text File: Personal Journal Entry
Viper's Log, 10/19/2019
After several painstaking days cooped up in HQ with the three stooges, I finally got to see some goddamn action today.
At around 0923 hours this morning, we received a distress call from the local precinct alerting us of a hostage situation. As it seems, a group of Southeast Asian terrorists infiltrated a trade center and held a group of people hostage, demanding a ransom.
In all honesty, the details bored the hell out of me, as all I cared about was the fact that I could finally get some fresh air away from my subordinates. Being as responsible as I was though, I still relayed the sitrep to my team, and prepped to head to the scene.
Crunching our boots on asphalt, I ordered Lewis "Lou" Hubor to scout the surroundings and report potential threats. Looking at me with his deadpan, bloodshot eyes, he replied with a resounding yawn and a "huh? oh, sure.". Such a lazy bum. Didn't even bother coming up with a codename. Lou was gifted with abnormal hearing. Field tests show he could hear up to 10 miles away. More of a curse actually, as it only activates right when he tries to sleep. As such, he’s constantly sleep deprived and groggily walking around aimlessly. Tsk.
While I was receiving the sitrep from the local authorities involved, Garret "Lagbreaker Prophetseer" Miller (What the HELL is that name??) kept whining about how he had to leave right in the middle of his childish "fortnite game", while flaunting his cape to local officers (which, by the way, violates the team dress code). I glanced over to him and made a remark about keeping our work professional. Muttering something under his breath, he begrudgingly left to assist Lou with recon.
What could he argue against? As the natural leader of the team, I just exude discipline and command.
After relaying my genius plan to my subordinates, we fell into action. The complex was composed of both an interior and exterior section. The exterior had a pavilion, with hostiles patrolling the perimeter. The interior section housed a three story convention building, with multiple rooms and halls.
First order of business was to clear the stragglers. We made quick work of the perimeter assailants especially with the help of my snake arms. Honestly, having my arms just turn into venomous snakes during random moments still takes me aback at times. I would be eating pasta or some popcorn when I see my arms turn green and scaly. Unnerving.
Luckily they morphed at the right time to take out the guards, with the only inconvenience of note being a "potty break" by Whisperer, (Jade "Whisperer" Wang). Despite being a thorn in my side for the most part, Whisperer seems to be the most tolerable subordinate out of the three. Quiet and timid, yet still a bit loose in the head if you feel what I mean. Talks to animals all the time, but they can’t talk back. I don’t quite understand how she puts up with it.
Lou’s recon told us that the hostages were being kept on the second floor main auditorium. Arriving at the second floor, we came across the entrance to the hall, with large mahogany doors at the entrance. Time for some ass-kicking.
As we burst into the second floor interior, I took a quick glance at the surroundings. Directly across from the entrance, a short middle aged man toting a gun was screaming incessant threats on the auditorium stage. Paying little heed to him, I quickly assessed my predicament. The room was supported with six large concrete pillars, 3 adjourning each side of the room.
A total of thirty two hostages were grouped into the opposite corners, with six goons flanking him on each side. A quick glance over at Gary, and I noticed his fingers twitch. An indication of his power usage, vision half a second into the future.
Go time.
In the blink of an eye, all hell broke loose. The assailants started opening fire in our direction. Luckily, Lou, Whisperer, and I rolled behind the pillars in the nick of time. Gary on the other hand, stood firm in the middle of the room, doing some stupid pseudo karate pose. That imbecile would have died if the goons decided to shoot anywhere near his direction. It's a miracle he didn't even get shot AT ALL in the initial shooting, more so during that entire barrage. Pinned down behind the pillars, the three of us waited for the hostiles to reload before returning fire. As soon as the constant cracking of bullets ended though, Gary FINALLY decided to whip out his own rifle, which was strapped to his back, obscured from vision by his cape. Returning fire on the hostiles, Gary wounded and incapacitated a good portion of them, allowing us to charge forward.
A fluke on the terrorist's part, if you will. Underestimating a 19 year old in pajamas with a cape.
Luckily, my hands were already snake-ified, so freeing the hostages was no biggie biting through the restraints. With the help of the local officers, we were able to safely evacuate the hostages, and take control of the scene. We made easy work of those terrorists. A bit too easy if you ask me...
Lou, who was nuzzling himself cozy in one of the corners, perks his ear up. Groggily stretching, he yawn-talks: “hey uhh guys, i think that these dudes left some sorta b-“
“A bomb”, I say, cutting over him. Of course there would be a failsafe. Why would terrorists hold hostages at a trade center in the first place? Good thing I predicted it. Scrambling over to the evidence we collected after disarming them, I grabbed one of the terrorist’s iPhones (with my then human hands), and confirmed the bomb was armed. In retrospect, I have no clue why international terrorists would have iPhones with no passcode, let alone iPhones.
Lou reported a ticking sound emanating from the basement, his abnormal hearing coming in handy again. The pressure was on. The officers in the room relayed to me that bomb disposal would be dispatched to the site in 15 minutes.
I bit my lip. Not fast enough.
Motioning for the others to follow, I burst through the emergency stairwell and rushed to the basement. The room was small, housing a few cleaning products and a workbench. A dinky light and scent of sulfur gave it a certain charm though. A time bomb was rigged on the opposite wall. Those terrorists were smarter than I thought. If it detonated, it would cripple the foundation of the trade center, collapsing the structural support beams. These terrorists weren’t playing, they were prepared to go down guns blazing.
The iPhone I took read 13 minutes before detonation. Rigging up makeshift tools from the workbench they left behind, I opened up the casing of the bomb and examined the contraption. Thankfully, the layout and mechanism was one I was familiar with. Aside from my masters in biochemistry, another unknown fact about myself is my extensive knowledge on EOD and forensics. In fact, just this morning I was reading a book this morning hoping to brush up my bomb disposal knowledge.
Unluckily, however, Lady Luck chose this specific moment to turn my arms into vipers. No biggie though, all I had to do was wait it out. They normally revert after a couple minutes. There was absolutely no panic whatsoever. I was in control of the moment.
Gary, on the other hand, was absolutely shitting bricks when he saw my arms. Dropping his iPhone on the floor (His cracked screen resembled that of a Candy Crush level), he started prancing around the room like a madman, shouting at me for something I had no control over. I’d like to see him defuse a bomb sometime huh. After calmly telling him to be patient, Whisperer pranced into the room, carefree as ever. The situation almost seemed comedic. Lou groggily lumbering around, Gary biting his nails, Whisperer caressingly patting my snake arms (Dangerously close to the casing, I might add). I, on the other hand, was confident in my skills. In the nick of time, my arms morphed back, and my fingers danced across the casing with the grace of a ballerina.
With a minute to spare, the bomb was defused. Mission complete, and all is well. Another spotless mission to my track record as team leader. Those idiots on the other hand, couldn’t keep themselves from blundering every other minute. I’ll have to bring up their poor performance at the next meeting. Well, time for another mundane week back at HQ. At least Whisperer seems to be warming up to me though.
Angela “Viper” Santiago, signing off.
LAGBREAKER PROPHETSEER
Rough Transcript of Gary’s Twitch Stream (10/19/2019)
WHAAAT’S UP, GUYS!!! This is Lagbreaker Prophetseer, here with another STORYTIME STREAM!!! Okay, first things first, chat, ask me how I’m doing today!
(Footage Lost)
How many times do I have to tell you guys!? Anyone who says my armor looks dumb is getting a permaban!
(Footage Lost)
Ok, fine, chat! I’ll tell you about what happened today with the team, calm your tits!
Okay, so you guys know how I’m the one keeping these losers together, right? And how even though I’m clearly the leader, no one but you guys has any fucking respect for me!? Ugh, my “cape” is not lame, Viper! Stop making fun of my super cool armor!! You’re just jealous of my high IQ brain, you idiot bimbo bitch!! God, she’s so annoying!
Anyway, today was like EVEN MORE annoying somehow, even though I was SO FUCKING BADASS this time!
It all started when fucking VIPER interrupted me in the middle of my super important training session. She interrupted me because apparently we had to save some people AGAIN. God, of course it was VIPER who had to RUIN my day with a surprise like that. Okay, well, it wasn’t really a surprise since I saw it coming from like, half a second away? Whatever, even with really useful future vision it still sucks.
We had to stop, like, asian terrorists or something? Either way, it sounded pretty boring. But then I realized, chat, that this could be my chance to finally get the respect I deserve, as the leader of the Garrett Gang! Yes, chat, that’s totally our official name.
So I go and get changed into my battle armor, and grab my gun, right? I’m still salty that Viper interrupted my ga- I mean, training, so I just annoyed her all day by doing stuff I KNEW she would get pissed at. I kept complaining over and over again about how she ruined my day. I used the wrong definition of “nauseous.” I even broke the dress code she thinks is sooo important.
Okay, that last bit I would’ve done either way, but my point still stands.
After showing off my armor to the officers and OWNING Viper, I thought I’d go help out the insomniac. Thought he might need help since he looks dead all the time.
Honestly, chat, he’s like the least lame guy on the team. Aside from ME, of course, but honestly he’s alright. That’s mostly because he stands back most of the time and lets me take the spotlight for once, but still.
Viper called us back and gave us a lecture about some dumbass plan of hers. And I had to watch as Whisperer kept making gaga eyes at her, which as usual, Viper was completely oblivious to. God, Whisperer is such a simp, how’d she fall for a hardass like her?? Can I get an F in the chat for Whisperer, guys?
Oh, thanks for the tier one sub, Asshole69!
Okay, moving on. We took out some of the perimeter guards, which I’m gonna skip over because it’s super boring. Whisperer had to like, go to the bathroom real quick. In the middle of the mission. Thanks, Whisperer.
We got to the second floor, where the hostages were I think. There was this room we knew the hostages were in, and like, a really big door. Viper wanted us break in through the FRONT DOOR LIKE AN IDIOT, which is fucking dumb. You could see that trap from a MILE away. Then she started backtracking and doubting herself, which is EVEN MORE annoying. After that, I just sorta tuned the others out. I didn’t want to spend the next hour debating about whether or not we should use the front door, so I just did it for them. They had no choice but to follow my lead.
I’m not stupid, though. I immediately started using my powers in case we walked into a trap or something.
Turns out, it was! Thanks, Viper.
Everyone else ducked behind some pillars like the pussies they are, and I had to deal with these dumbasses all by myself. Again.
.
I used my Prophet Vision to see half a second into the future, and dodged ALL of their bullets like the badass that I am. I swear, I looked so cool guys, you should’ve been there. Then, while they were reloading, I ENDED them with my BIG ASS RIFLE!!!
Oh if you’re wondering, chat, I used my ca- I mean, ARMOR, to hide the rifle. Take that, Viper, my armor WAS useful. HA!
You should’ve seen me, chat! I was like- pew! pew! pewpewpewpew!
(Footage Lost)
-clackclackclackbOOOOM-
(Footage Lost)
-pewpewBAM! They all looked at me with respect and then dropped dead like the pussies they are.
You guys should’ve seen Viper’s face, I think she was about to cry knowing how she’ll never compare to me.
I didn’t get to savor that moment though. Insomniac started talking all of a sudden, about...something about a bomb? Viper straight up just STEALS one of the Asians’s iPhones.
Fucking iPhones. IPHONES. Goddamn, these guys had no standards. Imagine owning an iPhone in 2019, chat.
Anyway, Viper takes a look at the fucking iPhone. Then she starts screaming?? Like, chill Viper, it’s just a bomb.
I wanted to leave with the hostages already and be done with this fucking day already. It’s bad enough that they ruined my epic moment, now they want me to help defuse the bomb?? We rescued everyone already, who cares if some random complex gets blown up??? Am I crazy, chat? No, of course I’m not.
But nooo, we went with Viper’s plan to defuse the bomb because Whisperer’s a simp and Insomniac has no agency. I RELUCTANTLY allowed Viper’s plan to proceed, mainly because Insomniac’s coming with and he doesn’t deserve to die without getting some sleep first.
We get to where the bomb is, and Insomniac just FUCKING COLLAPSES. Then Whisperer just disappears??? So now it’s up to me to make sure Viper doesn’t screw up with defusing the bomb.
I swear to God, chat, it’s so hard being the leader sometimes. My team is such a fucking mess, it’s embarrassing. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just go solo, these guys are such losers.
Thanks for the 50 bits, ProudNarcissist!
Anyway, Viper tries defusing the bomb and she’s going so goddamn SLOW. Her hands were fucking shaking, chat. Like, she kept cursing under her breath so much and didn’t know what the hell she was doing. And all this time I’m just standing there, just, watching her have a mental breakdown. So much for being a “biochem major,” or whatever the hell she calls herself. I, of course, jumped in to defuse the bomb for her, since she was doing such a shitty job at it.
She should have been thanking me, but instead she tries pushing me off because she’s a bitch. All of a sudden her arms turn into snakes and she uses them to threaten me into leaving her alone. The AUDACITY. Of this NERVOUS ASS BITCH. I’m trying to HELP her and she uses her arm snakes to ATTACK ME??? That is really extreme, don’t you guys think? Like, chill out, Viper, stop being so reckless and dumb, you tryhard.
At that point I was ready to just bounce. Like, no way was Viper gonna defuse the bomb like that. I couldn’t do anything but watch Viper cry hysterically at the carnage.
But then Whisperer comes in out of nowhere, and suddenly the snakes are gone?? No idea what happened there, but I wasn’t complaining. I order Viper to defuse the bomb now that she doesn’t have snake arms, and…she actually defuses it! Took her long enough. Apparently all it took was Jade being in the same room as her to calm her down.
Everything kinda just fizzled out after that. We left the rest to the police, and walked back to HQ. No one wanted to carry Insomniac, so of course I had to carry him. Figures that the leader still does work even AFTER the mission’s over.
Anyway, that’s my story for today, chat! God, I’m so fucking tired from carrying the team. Both literally AND figuratively. Ughhhhhh.
If it wasn’t for me, they’d all be dead right now. All I ask in return is that they treat me with fucking respect, but nooooo. No one calls me by my code name, no one takes my armor seriously, and NO ONE is acknowledging me as the obvious leader that I am.
I swear, no matter how many times I prove myself as an epic badass superhero, no one fucking appreciates me. Well, aside from Insomniac, who just stares at me half the time, which I appreciate. At least he acknowledges me for what I’m worth.
Whatever. They’ll come around. Till then, I’ll just be the dark, brooding, unspoken hero of the squad. That sounds cool, right?
Ok, that’s it from me guys! This is Lagbreaker Prophetseer, over and out!
LOU
we arrive at the trade center. garrett immediately tries to assume command. of course that's the first thing he does. man's literally got a cape and pajamas and he thinks he looks cool and should be the leader of us all. all the guy can do is survive bad internet in those video games he's always streaming. i'd shut him up but i'm tired and i know viper will do so herself. as if on cue, she goes right up to garrett and gets him to quiet down, if only for a second. viper's probably the only one who even bothers dealing with garrett. she always seems to think she's emitting an aura of leadership. in all honesty though, the one thing she really emits is an aura of napoleon complex. she's short and not very proud of it, so don't bring it up. a yawn escapes my mouth. good, i'm getting tired. what was i doing aga-
"lou, are you going to give us the scouting report or what? stop gazing off and start listening already!"
another yawn.
"huh? oh, sure." i reply. i know viper just wants to get the mission done, but she can be as annoying as garrett sometimes.
"hurry the fuck up eyebags, i have a subscriber only stream that i can't afford to miss."
i take that back. no one can match up to garrett. how much more self-absorbed, annoying, and selfish can you get than coming up with the name "prophetbreaker lagseer" (or whatever it was, i don't bother remembering) and trying to name the entire team after yourself. who in their right mind would think "garrett gang" is a good name?
i start lying down on the lawn outside the building to try and sleep. huh, that's some soft grass. nice, and soft. like nature's finest bed. any second now, i'll be starting to fall asleep. then i'll be able to hear things from far away. like voices. saying things like "hi there little birdie!" and "c'mere buddy!"
wait. those aren't voices from miles away. that's whisperer, crouching over a group of small birds. great, now i've lost the sleepiness i built over the past couple minutes.
"lower it down whisperer, i'm trying to get some rest" i call out to her, before lying back down on the grass. she's a nice girl, never means any wrong. she can just be a bit, how do i say this, distracted. like now. talking to random animals she finds cute. as i close my eyes, i hear a couple middle aged men at a deli shouting over a particularly well sliced cut of meat. sucks that i can't ever actually get any. good rest i mean, not meat. of course i can get meat. what's hard is getting rest when you can hear things happening from miles away every time i try.
now to try and focus my listening before i start waking again.
muffled screaming. i can't make out any of it. somewhere on the second floor. i'm willing to bet those are the hostages.
a weirdly loud clock. somewhere in the basement of the building. it's probably a huge grandfather in a massive display. the metronome of the ticks helps me keep falling asleep.
"heads up, boss says there's a group of kids outside. he thinks it's the superhero kids or something. ready your guns. the second they take even the littlest step inside-" same place as the hostages, probably a trap.
i look up, having woken up from what many would perceive as slumber. the others already cleared out the lobby and perimeter.
i start telling them what i know. the hostages are on the second floor. garrett immediately starts running to the door. while viper and jade follow closely behind. i do my best to keep up, putting all my effort in getting my recently awoken muscles to work at the same speed as the well-rested group
"why wait for sleepyhead to give us the sitrep? i bet we can take these guys easily. or at least i can. you can all stay at the back cowering."
"hold on garrett, we don't know what's waiting for us behind the door," viper replies.
"who gives a shit, my prophet-vision should stop any harm from coming my way"
now that i’m not too far away from them, i slow down. but as i do, i realize that i didn’t mention the second part of what i heard. a trap. and that idiot garrett is about to walk right into it.
"garrett, you imbecile, it's a trap!" i shout. or at least, i thought i shouted. turns out a groggy voice isn't going to get you very far in terms of audibility.
nostradumbass out here opens the door and guns start blasting. the guy seems genuinely shocked that the terrorists didn't just let him walk in without resistance. so much for that "prophet-vision."
god, these guys are hopeless without me. it's no wonder i'm the most important member of the team.
i do my best to catch up to them but with how tired i am and how frantic the action is, i’m basically not a part of the fight. viper’s snake arms do most of the work. i don’t think any of the terrorists expected to see someone flailing green, scaly, whips with fangs at them. jade kinda just stands there, seemingly shouting orders to those birds from earlier, who start dive bombing the terrorists. guess that conversation earlier actually mattered.
but the most entertaining aspect of the fight was garrett. guy’s dancing in his pajamas and cape as if dodging bullets. best part is, ninety percent of the enemies are firing at the two who they think actually matter in this fight, viper and jade. the other ten percent are too busy laughing at him to realize he just shot them. annoying as the guy is, at least he gets results.
to my surprise, even without my warning, they managed to make it out of the fight relatively unscathed. they look a little shaken up though. for all garrett’s brazen obnoxiousness, there’s a slight twitch in his movements. he’s using his power constantly now, extremely wary for another attack. viper stares at her arms for a few seconds in disbelief, the snakes coiling and uncoiling. jade is cradling one of the birds who seems to be injured.
“it’s okay, i’m here for you.” she really does care about those birds doesn’t she. it’s nice to see a team member who has concerns outside of themselves. but we have more pressing concerns to attend to.
i remind them why we came to this room in the first place. “uh guys, the hostages?”
viper hurriedly walks over and makes quick work of the ropes. it’s clear that she’s distracted by her thoughts though. the other two look like they're doing their best to pretend they didn’t also forget about the hostage situation. i bet you they cut this part out of whatever memoirs they write of this escapade.
anyway, i figure that they might need some encouragement from me. i head on over to the three of them, all tense and on their guard.
“look how well you guys handled that on your own. with me here now, you guys’ll have no trouble at all with the rest of them. now listen. we just gotta clear out the rest of the building. i’m counting on you guys to lead the way to success. i can ask that much out of you guys right?”
a resounding cheer from them arises. as the leader figure of the group, of course i know how to get them fired up. despite this, there’s something that’s nagging me at the back of my mind. writing it off as just exhaustion.
we head out of the room to call in the policemen, garrett walking boldly at the front, and jade and i at the rear. everyone seems to be a little more confident thanks to me. garrett’s twitches have slowed, viper looks more sure of herself, and jade’s doing her best to look as sure of herself as viper is.
i then realize what’s been nagging me. that ticking noise was no clock. it was a bomb. i bring this up, and they all start panicking again. viper snatches an iphone from one of the terrorists, and it confirmed my suspicions.
at least this time, they listen for all the details. no matter how wise my advice to them usually ends up, i rarely have this attentive of an audience from the other three.
“the basement. the bomb is in the basement.” short and sweet, as they quickly sprint down, leaving me in the dust.
a couple minutes after they got there, i catch up. and the situation is nothing like i would have imagined.
viper is losing her mind over the unfortunate timing of her snake-arms coming around. garrett is losing his mind over viper losing hers at such a critical time.
“how the fuck are you panicking at a time like this! we’re all gonna die if you don’t defuse that, and i can’t exactly stream after death.” typical garrett, worried more about his twitch streams than the fact that the trade center is about to blow up.
jade comes in soon after me from god knows where. surprisingly, in the midst of the panic, she is the calm one. she walks up to viper, patting her snake-arms like any other animal. come to think of it, why wouldn’t they be. snakes are animals, and why assume that viper’s snake-arms are any different. she whispers to them the way she’s whispered to thousands of different animals before.
thankfully, jade’s whispering works. viper’s arms go back to normal, and she quickly gets to defusing the bomb. after fumbling with it for a little, she quickly gets the hang of it. with just a minute left on the clock.
finally finished, we head back to headquarters. looking back on it, i guess everyone did something. but i’m willing to bet that without me, we never find that bomb. we’d probably be blown to smithereens right now instead of relaxing in hq. when they tell our story, i probably wont get the recognition i deserve. but that’s part of being a leader, you gotta let others have the spotlight at times. all i want right now is a good rest. and you can be damn sure i’m getting it.
JADE
Dear Diary,
Most people make fun of me for thinking my diary is dear. Actually, I think most things are dear. Like my cat, who I was playing with this morning. Smittens was lying in my lap, and I believe I was telling her how much I love her.
Oh yeah, she can understand me. I found this out a few years ago when I said out loud, to nobody in particular, that I was starving. Smittens walked over and gave me a bag of potato chips, which I absolutely love her for. I’m pretty sure all animals can understand me too, although I can never understand what they tell me. I usually just pretend that they say whatever makes the most sense.
Our headquarters was pretty noisy, with most of the noise coming from Gary. He was quite invested in streaming his video game, the one with guns and pickaxes. I’m not a gamer-type person, so I’m not really familiar. But, he calls himself “Lagbreaker Prophetseer,” which I honestly find adorable. I should probably get to know him better in the future though.
Lou was in his corner of the room, trying to sleep as always. Poor soul, I couldn’t imagine what constant insomnia would do to a person. Could you even survive without ever sleeping? I totally understand why he’s grumpy all the time.
Then there was Angie. She was reading this book, I couldn’t really tell what it was because I was too focused on her eyes. Angie was short, just like me, except she was prettier. Much prettier. Her deep black eyes were hypnotizing, like a black hole sucking me in. Although, she would probably know more about black holes than me.
I was stroking Smittens’ fur when the phone rang. According to Angie, it was concerning a terrorist attack. As she explained the situation, I couldn’t stop staring at her again. She was so intelligent and competent as a leader. She spoke with a confidence that made me want to be like her, made me want to contribute more to the team.
I kissed Smittens goodbye, and we made our way to the site of the attack. As we were walking, Angie looked like she was concentrating really hard. Probably making all sorts of attack strategies for later. So cool. Lou seemed lethargic as usual, and Gary was complaining about not being able to finish his game, which I thought was quite amusing. He looked like a little kid whose parents just took away his toys.
When we were nearing the trade center, Angie told Lou and Gary to scout the perimeter. After they reluctantly did as she told them to, I told her, “Hey, Angie, you really wanted to go out, didn’t you?”
“I told you to call me Viper, that’s my codename,” she responded passively. She was probably still thinking about her plan to infiltrate the building.
“But I like your real name, Angie,” I told her back. She took a small glance at me, then looked back towards the building, lost in thought once more. I think she appreciated that, hopefully.
While waiting for Lou and Gary to come back, I called a few songbirds and tried to make conversation. I told them that they looked really pretty today. I hope their chirp was a “thank you” chirp.
In the background, I heard Lou mumbling to himself, and Gary was complaining with more profanity, which I prefer to leave out. I don’t really like it when people swear. Or argue. Frankly, I don’t like all the violence this mission involves in general.
I returned to the group, in the middle of Angie explaining her plan to take out the lookout and perimeter guards. As she was describing how she would incapacitate the guards, her arms turned into the scaly, emerald green vipers she’s known for. Yeah, her arms do that. If you ask me, I think they make her look even cooler.
I went back to the songbirds and asked them if they could gently push off the lookout people on the roof. Thankfully, they obliged, and to not make them fall at a fatal height.
Before I knew it, Angie had taken out the perimeter guards, and screams of confused men came from the roof. We were just about ready to infiltrate the building, until I got a tad bit nervous and felt like using the bathroom. I apologized to the group, and thankfully Angie wasn’t disappointed. So embarrassing.
Now we were ready to barge in. Guns went blazing, and I honestly hid behind a pillar and covered my ears in pure horror. I probably squealed like a baby girl, which I don’t mind being accurate. We all went behind pillars actually, except for Gary. Gary went straight for the terrorists, and he managed to survive, which was kinda heroic. Good for him.
Amidst all the chaos, I saw the songbirds from earlier suddenly swooping into the action. What the heck were they thinking?! I tried shouting at them to fly away, but they targeted the gunmen nonetheless.
I heard a squeal of agony. One of the birds was shot. I saw the poor guy lying helplessly on the floor in a pool of blood, bullets flying everywhere around him. I sprinted towards him, lifted him in my hands, and ran back for cover, cuddling him the entire time. I tried comforting him, saying that everything was gonna be alright. The whole thing made me tear up. I hate seeing anyone get hurt, especially animals. Thankfully, he survived, and he was brought to the vet right after the mission. I don’t know what I would have done if one of them died, especially because of me.
Once everything settled, Angie cut the ropes binding the hostages with her snake arms, which had gone back to normal right after, and she started inspecting the unconscious terrorists. Lou, with his eyes half-shut, said something about a ticking noise. Angie and Lou concluded that it was a bomb, which I would never have thought of. I’m glad to have smart people like them on the team.
Angie confirmed the existence of a bomb when she saw an iPhone that had the Bomber app open. Gary said it was a bomber app! (I laughed at that). According to Lou, the bomb was in the basement. Angie, Gary and Lou went to the basement, while I went outside, hoping to be of more use than in the bomb room.
I found a nearby park, and in some bushes were a group of gophers. I tried convincing them to help us dig underground and bury the bomb (which, in hindsight, sounds a bit dumb, woops!), but they started talking about forced labor and the unjust capitalist system of our society.
I suddenly realized that I understood them, which never happened before! I guess I understood them because I was under a lot of pressure, but I didn’t think it was that helpful at the moment.
Although the gophers’ arguments were kinda interesting, there were more important matters to handle.
I ran back to the building and into the bomb room, where I saw Lou tossing and turning in the corner, Gary halting his screaming to snap his vision towards me, and Angie frantically fiddling with the bomb with her snake arms. Pretty bad timing, I assumed.
She seemed to be very nervous and struggling a lot. Then, I realized that I could help the situation! I can literally talk to animals, why didn’t I think of this before! I walked up to her and gently pet her snake heads. I told them that they were awesome for helping Angie out, but now Angie needed her regular hands.
Surprisingly, it worked! Angie’s snake hands told me that they just wanted to help and that they were sorry. They started retracting, the emerald green scales fading from her arms. Angie seemed much calmer, and she defused the bomb with her hands like the cool girl she is, and everyone was relieved, even Lou!
I handed over the songbird to a medic, and when we got back to our headquarters, Gary immediately went over to his computer and shouted something like “What’s up guys! It’s Lagbreaker Prophetseer, back with another storytime stream!” Lou plopped down on his bed, and he seemed to be at peace for the first time in his life.
Angie rushed to her book and nodded to herself, “I did pretty well.” I walked up to her and, I don’t know what made me do it, I whispered to her, “Good job, Angie!” And I kissed her on the cheek! I swear, I don’t know what got over me, but I was definitely mad blushing. In my embarrassment, I went over and cuddled with Smittens. Oh, by the way, Smittens said “Took you long enough…” (hihi)
Today was very eventful. We stopped a group of terrorists, I can finally understand animals now, and I think we all became closer as a team!
Well, that’s it for our adventure today. I’ll tell you more stories in the future, and they’re sure to be as exciting as this one!
Byee! <33
Love,
Jade Wang
October 19, 2019
submitted by I've been going through the seasons since they've been added to CBS all access. I'm a long time Big Brother and Survivor fan that has more recently lapsed on Big Brother. With the season being shit I decided to use All Access to finally dive in to The Challenge. These posts are mostly stream of conscious as I watch the episodes, some times with little context. Check out my posts for past seasons and a TLDR at the end. Thanks for checking these out!
I apologize a head of time if some comments go a little off base, these are purely just assumptions and first impressions a lot of times.
EP 1: Laurel!
Oh shit, Laurel and Camila fighting. Ready for that!
CT! I love this season already!
Is this like Ruins 2? Contenders vs Champs or old school vs new school
Smashley looks less meth-ey
Jenna jokes starting out of the jump
A new Theo? Got a lot to live up to with that name rookie.
Fucking Shane? God damn, that’s a blast from the past.
I was wrong, it’s Island 2 lol
I’m...kind of shocked to see Tony again?
Actually happy to see Amanda again, hope see more out of her this time around than just starting drama. I’d like to remember her for more than just being the freckle girl.
“Hardest challenge ever.” I’ve heard that before…
I take it back, confessional Smashley looks just as Meth-ey as ever.
Aww, the clapping when TJ says the old dogs aren’t there. The naivety.
Fucking Johnny again. Give me some alliance between Laurel, Cara, CT and Darrel to get Johnny out and it will be my dream come true.
Is this the beginning of dad bod CT?
This Hunter fucker looks like he’s built like a damn foosball player
Oh, a Miz wannabe…
There are multiple people I’m seeing “2nd Challenge” on their name card and I have no damn clue who they are.
“She said it was the challenge or her, and I chose the challenge.” Chick….you chose wrong. I don’t care if the girlfriend is shit for giving you the ultimatum, but you still chose wrong lmao
Shane getting naked, yeah it’s really Shane.
In a broken ass hut, but they’re still getting catering and copious amounts of alcohol lol
Zach….You act like you’ve been away forever lol you were off for like 2 seasons dude. Also “Make the challenge great again” Fucking really? You would be the furthest thing from Challenge in its heyday. You were in like 2 of its worst seasons.
Fucking Dario, I really can’t take him.
I’m sad to see no Devin from last season. Wanted to see more of him.
This seriously feels like Island 2 lol I contend that Island 2 had an interesting concept but Kenny/Johnny and their alliance just ruined it. The survivor elements really just put a damper on it too.
“It’s a clue!” Bitch, just call it treemail!
Early impressions of Theo is I like him.
Finally, multiple color jerseys.
I have to assume very shortly everyone will be in the oasis, they won’t want to run two full crews.
Hopefully Bruno is coming in with that homeless hungry energy.
Saying there’s two teams when people are just piling dirt on a collective pile? Lol
Ashley going for herself?! Somewhere Johnny is using this to validate him taking the money from Sarah.
Hahaha Ashley just climbing through after people helping her dig haha She looks like she’s the one bringing the homeless hungry energy.
Damn, how did Cory go from dead last to second finish?
I swear Ashley was shown as being in first place multiple times, but now she’s in the middle of a huge pack.
Nelson is coming in to these confessionals like he has some kind of vendetta lol Like he’s building a case against someone. First it was how he views Cory as his boy and he wasn’t going to leave him hanging, and now he’s complaining about Tony leaving Bruno behind.
Bruno, disappointing with the lack of homeless hungry energy.
Why is Nelson so damn angry? Lol Everyone is yelling at Bruno and Tony’s the only one like “No, leave him alone.” and Nelson wants to bitch about Tony not talking to him? Everyone is, what is one more voice?
Eww, you got mud all over your face, don’t sit there and lick your lips.
Why such a short first episode?! Only 40 minutes? What is this Gauntlet 3?!
EP 2: They’re even getting laundry service?! Lol What a weak ass Island rip-off!
Why is Nelson so damn angry?! He was seriously not this way at all last season lol
Jenna getting in on the trash talk! “We forgot you were here like 3 times!” lol I can’t tell if it’s a dig or if Jenna just literally forgot someone existed
Nelson seriously seems like a completely different person to last season.
“I’m just going to be there for Kailah to vent” proceeds to tell her how to play and what she did was wrong lol not alot of venting going on.
If this whole Oasis twist is just whittling down the amount of contenders to go against the Champions I will be pissed. If it’s just like a contingency so the rookies don’t out number and gang up on the old school players or something.
There’s something about the out and out team aspect going on that I’m liking, but not liking at the same time lol Everyone just ganging up and telling Sylvia how to vote is just weird. I’m all for sides, but once the vote comes the talking should end.
Latoya with the hypocrisy calling someone else a camera whore lol bitch you called yourself “THE Latoya” like you’re ohio state or some shit.
“It’s your vote, you can decide who you want to vote for.” Provided it’s the vote that 4 other girls are yelling at you to make…yeah, your vote.
I’m happy to see Darrel back.
Who is this Ashley chick?! Oh, from Seasons, ugh.
Ah Kenny, not gonna lie I’m starting to miss Evan and Kenny. Yeah, they’re shit bags, but they’re entertaining. These last couple groups of rookies have been trash.
Cara looking even more ripped.
CT’s baby! Awwwwwwwww
Is Laurel coming in being like the third ranked girl in athleticism of these champs?
Exile style elimination with no arena with people watching? Mixed emotions on this.
Kailah looks like she talks a big game, but won’t be able to back it up. Marie looks like she’s got some crazy in her.
With these two girls, this elim looks like shit. With some strong guys fighting the whole time it could be interesting, but this was bleh.
Bruno, back to being homeless.
This hut is going to be angry with the people returning and having earned their way into the actual game.
I hope the alliance realizes they literally just screwed like half their numbers out of their chance at the real game lol
You can tell these people are dumb rookies, or they’d realize the object is to get their alliance in the elim vs shitty people to win their ticket.
EP 3: “I want to start a talk show. There is no millennial Oprah.” Because they don’t watch them, they listen to podcasts. You’re the worst millennial.
Of course the Foosball guy would like meth hulk Smashley.
They don’t even have to compete, this seriously is just a play-in game.
Yeah, my money’s on Jenna/Cory
CT and Darrell with their kids is absolutely adorable.
Amanda has a weird trashy quality to her, but god damn is she pretty as hell.
“I don’t care if I lose my teeth, I’m getting this bag open!” spoken like a true methhead!
I was really hoping to not see more of foosball boy.
These people still aren’t understanding the game is getting the tickets. You either win or win an elimination. Half these people are going to be real disappointed.
I feel like Cory has realized it, and wanting to go in to elim.
I’m with Theo, we’ve seen Cory’s fake muscles at work plenty of times. We saw him lose to 80 pound Christina and weird punk hipster kid in a competition purely based on pushing and holding on to a bar lol
Not gonna lie, I’m kind of liking the feel of this cast developing naturally without a bunch of vets around to control the game.
The suspense is kinda dead on this girl elim, because it showed Jenna in the oasis in the previews.
I’m interested in this guy elim though.
Slip of the tongue? “I’m going to go against her and she’s going to come back limping!” so...you’re saying she’s the one coming back but you’re going to hurt her? Lol the object is to come back, not just hurt the person. Not sure if you know this, but Jenna is an elimination god.
It’s...it’s just holding balls?
Fucking Theo. Dude… I was actually hoping to see more of you. What a bitch.
With the object of the challenge being to hold on to balls, I was expecting some kind of bounce or jarring of the person to have them possibly drop them.
I have come around on Jenna so damn much. She literally approaches every challenge like it’s absolutely nothing. Everything is easy for her when she doesn’t even think about it lol
Hahahaha they really just slowly let Theo down to be laughed at! Haha I love it!
I would love if Theo still had to jump to get down lol
Well at least it isn’t 8 vs 8, there’s one more challenge so it will at least be 10 or 12 vs 8, not like Cory and Jenna aren’t basically vets at this point.
EP 4: Fingers crossed on Amanda being the next ticket holder and not Smashley.
The weird open beach macking is weird.
Please, of all people please don’t let Latoya get this ticket.
Ok, my money is on Amanda and Shane being the two winners here to get their tickets. This is one of the random elimination style challenges that Shane and Amanda have experience in.
Man, Nelson bothers me this season. I don’t get it, but his confessionals are annoying.
https://i.imgur.com/VvcJWiB.png Can we talk about the like 30 people standing in the background during this challenge? Lol there was more than this screenshot, but this was the best shot. The amount of people just standing around is kind of hilarious.
Shane is halfway gone and Nelson and the other dude have barely moved.
Nelson is another fucking “fustrated” guy. Dammit! What is it with this show and people who can’t pronounce frustrated. Is that the second question after “are you an angry drunk” when casting?
How the hell did this dude come back out of nowhere? Lol
Wow, that was an awesome finish.
First time I’ve seen a challenge sponsored in a while. Burger King! Jenna’s just hoping there’s chicken nuggets.
No onion rings? No deal!
Nelson with the pity party. I thought I liked the small bits of Nelson last season, but apparently Nelson in small doses is easier to take.
Darrel, don’t talk up your game. Bananas is already targeting you as number one. Don’t even joke.
Laurel doesn’t look like she’s coming in at her fittest. But I’d still bet on her in most cases.
Looks like the last pre-game elim is a mini final kinda? Sylvia already basically crawling on hands and knees lol
Sylvia got to the top, I’m honestly shocked.
I would literally jump off a plane, jump over a cliff, anything to do with heights, but running down some steep stone stairs in the rain? That shit would scare the hell out of me. There’s not the safety lines there, I’ve broken too many limbs.
All the people watching this like “Is my culture a joke to you?”
Yes! Sylvia! Shocked, and happy! I just hope she realizes her alliance she made is not only not in the Oasis, but didn’t help her get there lol
Can we just introduce a new rule and neither of these guys go in the house?
Did we really need to watch Nicole lick peanut butter off of a giant spoon?
I forgot Dario was here.
“To Jenna, not having an ex here.” Oh buddy…
Fuck, I also forgot this dumb foosball fuck
I wish I could have TJ telling me he’s proud of me each day. He looks like he means it.
Dad-bod CT!!
I know Paulie from Big Brother is eventually on this show, but it’s hilarious to me that Johnny in this last confessional before the episode ends looks so damn much like Paulie. The tufted hair, the short beard.
EP 5: I’m tired of seeing god awful commercials trying to hype up a god awful Big Brother all-stars.
Underdogs vs Champions, nice
I literally don’t recognize this Ashley chick at all.
Does battling against your own team kind of defeat the purpose of teams?
Camila with the completely see thru shirt in confessional lol
Surprised they’re actually making it seem fair. 4 v 6 in challenges.
Ugh, I don’t want Nicole to talk anymore.
Speaking of mean laurel, can we get an update on the Cara/Laurel friendship?
Oh fuck yeah, this is the type of challenges I want to see.
I keep forgetting Champ Ashley even exists. Has she had a confessional?
Laurel and Camila look like the only ones coming in to this challenge like they want to kill people. Cara and Ashley just seem to get tackled and sit on the ground.
Darrel looks entirely unintimidated lol the other guys are hunched down ready to run and Darrel is standing casually like he’s waiting for an uber lmao
I’m here for dad-bod CT tackling people.
I’m with Tony, take the chance to knock the fuck out of Bananas.
“I think I’m known for being the most physical dominating person from the challenge” hahahahahaha Zach I don’t even think you’d be in the conversation.
I am weirded out by this casual chill CT. In confessional’s with his leg up and just chilling.
The ollyoop to Darrel!!
This may be one of the best challenges. This is an amazing way to start the actual game.
Well the last point was kind of anticlimactic.
Nicole coming on STRONG right out of the gate for Cara, Damn girl.
Zach just casually walking by Jenna saying “Hey, whats up” just feels so fucked.
I forgot how coked out Shane looks all the time. Something about his eyes.
Nicole looks like Andy Dick hahahahahahaha oh shit!
I love that the vets are just sitting by laughing at everyone scrambling knowing god damn well that they will be doing the same thing the next day lol
Ass, ass, ass for days. Maybe the assiest cast so far.
Kailah literally needing to be put in pants and in bed. Oh my god she pisses her bed! God damn.
Pissing the bed is a deal breaker? That’s kinda weak though.
CT yelling at Johnny to fix it lmao
Dude, Zach trying to talk shit about CT?! Lmao Saying he didn’t tackle anyone? Zach of all people shouldn’t be talking shit.
“I’m not drinking anymore.” “Well I’ve heard that since day one…”
You’re in the challenge house and going to throw stones at people getting black out drunk?? Lol What show are you on? This guy has a pattern of trashing on girls in an instant.
Oh god, I can’t unsee Andy Dick after Bananas mentioned it. Nicole is now forever Andy Dick.
EP 6: This Andy Dick crush. Cara is definitely leaning in to it.
I oddly have a defensiveness for Jenna. She’s too stupid. Leave her alone Zach. She’s too sweet and dumb!
I am 100% Laurel in the background giving weird confused looks to Jenna and Zach talking.
Kailah just saying she basically rapes people…
What is this weird Nelson insanity? I already said his confessionals come off like he’s angry lol
I feel like all these mentions of Tony being sober is just leading up to the point that he breaks.
Camila trying to be a Don boss or something lol “It’s invasion sister, I could invade your game.”
Sweet Dad-bod CT is the best. Just don’t let him go out too early!
Jenna! Get out of Zach’s bed!!!!
I really can’t see Shane going this early. To bring him back after this long and he goes out like 5 episodes in right when the actual game starts?
Oh no, the foosball guy doesn’t like Kailah lol He likes Ashley though, I’m not sure what that says.
This shelter alliance is kinda dumb…
The Fortress lol Cool place, weird name.
Holy shit, this Tuk Tuk challenge would be exhausting.
Sylvia’s got more weight to throw in to it, but she’ll probably gas out way faster.
Camila is coming in to this season looking great.
Damn, Sylvia way ahead. She killed it.
Yelling boo, is maybe the dumbest thing to do lol
Really thought something was going to come of the sober Tony story.
If I look at the alliance of Smashley, Amanda, Shane and Foosball, except for Nelson I’d say this is some weird white trash or druggy alliance lmao
“There’s onlly a divide because people like you say there’s a divide.” lol You guys got upset because a few people piled fucking dirt together lol
I can’t take confessional Johnny looking like a weird knockoff Paulie Califiori… Why does he look so different in his confessionals? Did he only come in to do his confessionals after the season?
Shane is on some weird ass shit with his “Why do I care about a strong team, if I’m not here to win” or whatever he’s on lol Are you just saying you want to go as far as possible and not care about winning? I feel like his mentality is stuck back in the olden days where winning wasn’t all that much money.
What the fuck kind of high school rumor mill bullshit is this? Lol
Why does Jenna give a shit for even a second what Zach things. Girl, stop this now. Be mad about the girls rumor mongering for no reason, don’t give a shit about Zach the dude that literally cheated on you and didn’t even break up with you but just ghosted you while you were on a damn season.
Stop caring about Zach!!!!
EP 7: Laurel, Camil and Ashley, just swimmin naked in the morning. All normal.
This fuckin’ foosball guy…
Smashley really about to get mad at Cara for randomly joking with Foosball?
Smashley is so damn insane. “Piss in your pants bitch!”
I stan Laurel. “It’s not fucking about him! It’s about you!” Thank you Laurel!
Oh, this is cool.
Wait, why is only the champs winners safe from elim? Why only them?! I don’t like this arbitrary bullshit.
I feel like Camila is giving strong winner vibes off in her confessionals. She seems so like a godfather or some shit. It’s not her normal schtick. Are all the champs just getting more care and time in the makeup room for confessionals? Also, why has Ashley and Darrel been so absent from confessionals? They’ve each had like 2 when Camila has had 20 to talk about the most basic stuff.
Good god, Nelson and Amanda looked godawful, down in seconds lmao
Why does Johnny somehow always get the best teammates?
CT stirring the pot between Cara and Bananas lol I love this new CT
Cara out immediately, so much for that.
I think I’m confused on how the points and times are handled on this lol
Sure, just go ahead and sit back and let Johnny win immunity. Sure. Perfect.
Please show the flashback of Laurel saying “How do you think Sam felt!?” to Zach.
“I’m not really a douchebag.” says the douchebag
Literally will only be happy if Zach and Ashley go home.
I literally just remembered the CT and Cara friendship that came out of Free Agents. He had a cute older brother type thing going.
“Why?” “Cause you’re making me.” Darrel is still a threat
I will not be happy if Darrel or Cara leave right now. This season will be on a sudden trend down.
Pole wrestle!!!!!! Oh Shittttttttttttttt Wasn’t Darrel in an epic bar wrestle in one of the old seasons?
Oh shit, the champ elims are all classic! That’s awesome.
Oh, guess I was thinking of Wes and Derrick in Duel. I for some reason associated Darrel with that.
“I’m here to win the money.” “Why?” “Because I like winning money.” Darrell just not dealing with TJ’s questions lol
Yeah, Pole wrestling gives me hope for Cara and Darrell.
Ashley looks like she’s barely even there. Did they give her some pain killers after the last challenge or something?
I swear if Darrell leaves I will be angry. It’s been too long without Darrell for him to go this soon.
It starts and Darrell barely even moves to what looks like Zachs full force.
Lets go Darrell!!! 1 down, let’s go.
Darrell got it! Let’s fuckin’ go!
Jenna, you’re better off. Please wise up.
Don’t you dare call Darrel ‘David’ and Zach ‘Goliath’, CT you’re better than that.
Ya’ll remember Zach saying he was probably the most physical dominating challenger? Lol
Literally the best possible outcome. I love this.
EP 8: “In a perfect world; we go head to head in the end.” I would love to watch Darrell beat Johnny.
Camila and bathrooms…
The rumor mongers being paranoid is a funny turn. Shane is a vet, how would you think he wouldn’t hang around some of the other vets? What does him hanging with vets even affect?!
Laurel hasn’t done an eating challenge? Wasn’t there an eating part of the final on Rivals? The one Kenny had to carry Wes up the mountain after eating?
God damn they do LOVE showing copious amounts of vomiting.
Camila is excited to see some puking…
I like how they put buckets there, like anyone is gonna aim for the bucket lmao
CT and Darrell talking about it being good, the Underdogs instantly puking.
Shane talking mad shit. About to see himself get voted in the fortress.
Shane bitching at all is hypocritical. He was the one that said it made no sense for a strong team if he’s not there for the money or some dumb shit.
Fuckin Foosball is booking. Damn.
Did foosball just say he has immunity he’s not helping with the puzzle?
“It’s just curry bruh.” I love Darrell. I am so happy he’s back on The Challenge.
Hey what do you know, Johnny wanting to cause disruption and outrage.
These Underdogs continue to be hilarious. It’s like some kind of weird cult where if you say anything that everyone doesn't know about or agree with you’re instantly cut out.
Johnny continues the run of bullshit. Taking a toilet seat? What kind of weird frat house hazing is this?
Say it loud, say it proud, JOHNNY IS A BULLY!
Either you’re quitting Sylvia or you’re severely underestimating Jenna.
Dario looks like a joke like he did on Bloodlines lol Anything involving thought in an elimination and the dude is just screwed.
Jenna is a comp beast. Period lol How did Jenna come in with the best technique and just blow through it? Lol
Cara is right, they just made the underdogs stronger losing Sylvia and Dario.
Quit calling bullying, pranks! If you’re doing it consistently and to the same people repeatedly it’s just bullying. If it was reversed Camila and Laurel would be the first two people too lose their fucking minds. It’s like they forget back to FM1+2 when they were bullied and now they’re in the upperclassmens role and have to continue the bullying.
EP 9: Well, that’s certainly a start to the episode.
Ok, Camila is at least bi-curious.
Now Andy Dick is trying to hit on Laurel? Damn, get it girl.
Wait, didn’t we just have like 2 episodes of Cara saying she wasn’t in to girls? Literally because of the same chick?
“It’s good seeing you two get along.” I love dad CT!!!
Oh, I see what it’s doing…Love triangle!!!!! Look, just cut out the middle person. Cara, Laurel, hook up!
“Amanda!....It’s funny!” I always enjoy when bitch Laurel comes out.
Camila is back with “Freckle motherfucker!!”
“It’s initiation! Get fucking used to it!” Bitch Laurel is the BEEEEESSSSSST She’s still wrong though. It’s bullying and dumb. Just because you can look at something and rationalize it as everyone goes through it doesn’t mean it’s right or ok. It’s still bullshit and bullying.
It’s so weird that they have full blown security at this point lol
CT calling Johnny out! Haha I love Dad CT. “When did I start fires and walk away?” “Are you serious? That’s all you do!” haha CT ain’t having none of this Johnny bullshit.
Andy Dick is really coming off as in love with herself. Geesh
This is a cool Challenge. Yeah, Laurel if everyone is hanging on you you just fall and take out all the Underdogs.
Aw, I thought Camila was being smart lol They talk her to unwind herself.
I like that the underdogs came in to the comp being smart and the vet guys are upset about it lol
One foot between determining the guys? What? Darrell and Johnny seemed to be taken down and then CT with the rest of the guys? Didn’t even seem close. Oh I guess Johnny and CT were both brought down by Shane.
Bummed to be losing Laurel or Cara.
So much for Johnny vs Darrell in the final lol
It seems weird that they basically have the underdogs whittled down before bringing in the Champs but then to lose two at a time. I’m not against it, it just seems like they’d make one decision and then go on to make the other decision.
Andy Dicks “Flirt” sounds like “Flick”
Laurel basically sees the situation as more serious because it’s basically her first encounter with these feelings and Andy Dick views it differently because it’s not new or special for her. Understandable on both ends.
Darrell, kick Johnny’s ASS!
Johnny, you didn’t have to wait to become the villain.
This whole weird “Who/what/why are you doing it thing of TJ’s is not it.”
Is a call back to Free Agents really all that classic? It’s an awesome battle to see these matchups.
I always wondered why no one else tried to shoot it. This barrel hole at least seems smaller than it did in Free Agents.
“I don’t think Bananas has ever been tested like this.” He was, he just got turned into a backpack and made into one of the most hilarious moments.
EP 10: Happy to see Bananas go. Thank you Challenge gods!
Cara stopping it with her foot!
Laurel with the brutal headlock. God damn!
I think the only thing about Cara that annoys me is the socks she wears. I hate the ugly knee socks with shamrocks and shit on em.
Andy Dick smiling while Laurel and Cara 69 basically.
Laurel continues to dominate. She had the reach and size though.
“It’s hard to celebrate the win.” Laurel says as she runs away after her point and puffs up her chest lol
4 champs left and 8 underdogs seems like a shit unbalance. I continue to just be surprised by the weird decisions of production.
Andy DIck about to get a taste of Bitch Laurel. Good luck!
Side note: When did Andy Dick kind of like blend in with the underdog alliance? She was always just as hated as Tony, Cory, Kailah and them, but somehow Andy Dick never gets lumped in with them anymore.
“It doesn’t bother me!” She says repeatedly, showing it definitely bothers her.
I don’t know what’s the worst look. Shane with his shirt off at all times, or Nelson in this weird ass fucking black cowboy hat haha
Oh my god. Laurel and CT are the loves of my life. Foosball yelling about who can beat him and Laurel makes an ugly face in the background and CT waves his hand and points to himself. CT has a dad bod, but he isn’t any less of a monster.
You can tell Shane thought he had gold with that “America’s Dirtbag” line because he uses it probably 5 times.
I don’t know where the line is on going too mean or too past certain lines, but Shane really seems to me like a coke head at the absolute end of his rope that will be desperate as he has to be and would literally shiv some motherfuckers if he had to.
I am really thinking Camila is the winner of this season. I don’t know if I’m way off, but this is the first time I’ve felt this strong of a winners edit from this show the whole time. Camila hasn’t had this many confessionals and stories even on the past seasons she has won.
I wish I cared about Andy Dick and Laurel. I love Laurel, but Dick is kind of annoying.
Wait...Of all the times to not have an elimination? Seems odd.
Make pairs. CT instantly “Guys, I don’t care.”
Why is there so much of this personal cam stuff this season? People keep having these selfie videos, I thought it was just a Bananas thing at first, but it’s persisted.
I think this is one of those comps that is way harder than they make it look. Just hanging on the tubes is going to tire you out, climbing across them and then having to pull yourself up a rope?
I need closed captioning for Foosball and Smashley way too often.
Camila looks like she’s halfway to just standing the hell up and running across these tubes.
That round of CT and Camila seemed like the waves were suddenly teen times worse when they got to the flag?
Cory completely in the water and pulling himself back up? That’s tough.
“It all comes down to Jenna.” Ohhhh it comes down to the time. I had complete faith in Jenna.
TJ throwing a house party instead of an elim? Bah, get these shitty Underdogs out of here.
“Something fishy’s going on.”
Camila calling Laurel humble lmao
Underdog BLOODBATH. YES YES YES YES!!!!!
EP 11: I don’t give a fuck where you’re from foosball! Go back home!
Holy Hell Camila is looking hot as hell this season.
Finally, they just kiss and get it over with!
Was hoping for another kind of mini final for the bloodbath.
Everyone is going to the fortress? Damn, they’re cuttin down in half quick.
Jenna: “I’m just here for the final” Damn straight, that’s what you do! Lol
Laurel not pulling punches, thinking Andy Dick is going home.
Nelson and Foosball out here seriously not understanding rows and columbs lmao
45 fucking minutes!!! An hour and a fucking half and no one is done lmao Wow people
TJ getting tired and telling people to add them up before asking for a check.
Almost two hours for the first one to complete. Good god.
Goodbye Foosball!
I literally have zero doubt that Jenna will be in this final lol
“Ashley looks like she’s in an argument with a split personality right now.” When did CT become the best narrator?
Jenna, eliminated for the first time ever!!!! Shit, that’s a bummer.
“I never went home before, so it’s a little upsetting!”
Amanda and Smashley are huge fucking shit talkers this season lol jesus.
Looks like a 3 way elim?
Seeing everyone run and then bounce back once they hit the wall will never get old.
They just aren’t realizing what the Gauntlet 3(I think? Maybe Duel?) guys did and just team up against Nicole?
Good god, it took 40 minutes and Shane telling them how to do it to realize they could get an easy win.
I didn’t realize it was a restart. Ashley fucked over Amanda for sure lmao
Looks like Amanda actually got the first one. Nicole’s so wrapped up in powering over Amanda she’s not worrying about actually being quick.
Ohhh, Nicole by technicality.
Damn, Nelson just played them both. He had that shit in seconds.
Don’t tell me Nelson gets the win and then is the first to throw a punch. Lmao I’ve said all season his confessionals look like he’s angry and has a vendetta.
EP 12: Oh, he goes to punch and misses. Lucky idiot.
What was Shane even doing?
Nelson is absolutely terrible at confrontation, or conversations starting with a disagreement. He just kind of quietly yells the same things over and over.
Don’t show her lick the peanut butter spoon again! Dammit!
She ate moldy peanut butter!
CT trying to stir the pot between Laurel and Andy Dick lol
I feel like everyone is joking and finding this funny except for Andy Dick. She’s so mad about an almost empty thing of peanut butter from weeks ago lol
This looks like a cool ass challenge. Like an escape room, but literally.
Camila:“No yelling! CT...” “Me? You gotta lot of nerve.”
I feel like forcefully kicking the door in is kind of breaking the challenge… lol Literally the door isn’t even supposed to go that way! I feel like this would have been a DQ in the old days lol
How did CT realize the coconuts were going to fall when they opened the door? Had the underdogs already opened theirs and it just didn’t show that in editing?
At least Camila noticed it. They literally forced a door the wrong way to not have to dig in the sand. I’m usually against vets getting treatment or anything by default, but that feels like a DQ.
Fucking “Fustrated” rears it’s damn head again.
There is not a chance in hell this Laurel/Andy Dick relationship goes anywhere.
Bug in broccoli being a glimpse at Smashley in the final?
TJ tells the Champs they’re in the final, but didn’t say that to the Underdogs.
I can’t tell if Camila is being smart or dumb carrying the whole bundle of rope.
Laurel’s taken almost 5 minutes just to get all the rope over the top?
Both of these look like nothing compared to any of these tangles in the past.
I feel like these knot elims are just all over the place with editing. It’s felt like Camila was so far behind the entire time, but then she’s near done and then Laurel looks way behind. It looks like Laurel just gives up. I feel like I just want to see a standing still camera time lapse of both progress.
“Ugh, get the fuck out of here. I don’t give hugs!” TJ <3
EP 13: In todays saga of CBS all access being complete shit: The thumbnail spoils the winner of the guys elim. :/ So much for that cliffhanger...
I’ll be interested to see how this shakes out though. Darrell really seemed to come in looking strong as hell throughout this whole thing.
Uh...I think CT is breaking this challenge lmao This looks impossible to untangle.
Looks like Darrell tried to start copying CT’s method at one point.
TJ’s laugh at CT just hanging at the end lol
Will Darrel even be able to begin to unravel CT’s mess? Lol I can kind of see why the thumbnail spoils it because once you see it it’s kind of a forgone conclusion lol
CT looks pretty gassed though, I think Darrell would win this if CT didn’t outsmart the elim.
Yeah, CT broke that shit lol
“See that, little fatso! Dadda still kick your little ass!” Dad CT is the best.
I will really be shocked to see any of these underdogs winning over Camila and CT.
Besides Cory, I hate all the Underdogs left.
I especially hate Nelson and Andy Dick now that we’re sitting here having this inspirational team chat.
Smashley has just been a series of wanting to leave. Please, god, let her go.
I love watching CT love watching this drama that he’s no longer a part of lol He just loves sitting back and smiling at the chaos.
Don’t puff up Smashley’s damn head. Don’t encourage her!
The beds look better, but the outside of the normal house they left literally can’t be beat. They had an amazing pool, a beautiful deck area and pond? This place is lame compared to that.
I’m watching the challenge, I don’t need the spiritual self reflection bullshit.
Diem :(
OK, CT talking about his son giving him a reason to live and a reason to move on is really about to make me cry.
Three damn days? Really? Can we go the opposite way? Make it shorter, not longer? Lol Length doesn’t necessarily mean difficulty.
100k each? Bananas laughs with 275k...
Predictions: CT > Cory > Nelson Camila > Smashley > Andy Dick
EP 14: Do you want to just take the puzzle with us? It’s not that heavy. Holy shit, this chick is dumb hahaha
“Is there a triangle in the sign?” How are the camera crews not sitting there dying laughing?
How to they get the right number of triangles from the damn sign?!?! Hahaha They’re just trying to break the combo lock. These dumbass people. They get the right number of triangles and still fail.
They can’t even beat it when given the answer. Jesus christ. The producers are literally saying “Just go. Go.”
I don’t think I could understand the dumbness of Andy Dick and Cory.
TJ looks disappointed in having to tell them they’re correct lol
That’s all of day one?!?! Seriously? I don’t care what they say, these finals have become weak.
A different stray dog? Lol
I like the idea of the time buster. If you’re going to make these finals about combined times you might as well do more with that.
Horse urine fermented eggs...Really? Lol
Some times I feel like their safety restraints give them too much support when doing some of these balance type things. It’s like they can half rely on their support. Nelson is barely holding any ropes to keep reaching.
No, I don’t want to see CT struggle!
How the hell is the ASL chick the only one in the history of this show to say frustrated correctly lol
Nelson doesn’t seem to do well under pressure.
I think Smashley being able to gloat about anything is the worst possible outcome.
They solved it on the wrong post haha
“Hashtag Dad-bod” CT owning it.
Cory is a baby. He is like one hardship away from quitting.
The fear on Cory’s face when CT says he thinks it will be all night lmao He’s already miserable.
This chick and peanut butter…
Hahahaha TJ coming in saying “What the fuck?” and CT instantly running back to the beads is fucking hilarious. Calling them eating cans “partying” hahaha
“Tomorrows a new day” he says as the sky lightens behind him.
Andy Dick really seems like the worst partner on just about every leg of this final.
Camila makes all these guys look like bitch mode lol She’s constantly angry and she probably doesn’t make working with her easy, but every partner with her looks like the weak link.
The final solo segment is holding on to a bar and then swimming? I’m sorry, am I crazy? This final just seems weak.
If you would have put a puzzle at the bottom of those long ass stairs from the last underdog elim and the key to the puzzle at the top, it alone would have been harder than this final.
This last segment seems like it’s just a time to have each individual running so they can run back footage of their journey. It’s the torch walk of survivor lol
Two entire segments of the episode are dedicated to this individual montage and segment of the final. Ugh.
Cory is kind of a bum when it comes to these finals. Surprised Nelson beat him.
CT WIN!!! Dad Bod still has it!
I love CT laughing! “It’s going to be his new favorite toy, whether he likes it or not.”
I’m so tired of Nelson and Andy Dick and sad we will no doubt get more of them.
HOLY SHIT. SMASHLEY BEAT CAMILA. HOLY FUCK. That is the biggest shock in Challenge history for me. Wow, I’m speechless.
TJ trying to say they have to stay in the hut another night. Lol
EP 15: “The toughest final I have ever seen.” Oh shush
Miz looking a bit older.
Why does Cara look pissed with Andy Dick showing up? Lol
Damn, Laurel is possessive lol
CT and Johnny loving the drama haha
Laurel really seems to be making more of this than really should be. I feel like she’s always just looking for a reason to be mad at Cara.
CT doesn’t like “Finger banged” as a term lmao
Camila’s weird dancing in intimidation is a weird new thing…
Oh god, why did they bring Foosball on the reunion?!
Camila really has a thing for see-thru
Camila’s dancing does look really stupid lmao
Nelson is fucking annoying.
Nelson you have the blessing of Johnny fucking Bananas, sit down it doesn’t mean much.
Nelson is a dolt. Cory wouldn’t even be there without him haha
Nelson is really going to sit here and let second place go to his head this much? Fucker acts like he’s a king for getting second once! Lmao
Does Miz really have to relate everything to himself and being a WWE Superstar?
So wait, Johnny actually had something to do with Smashley first possible quit rant and it didn’t show Johnny’s involvement?
Is this like the third time Cara has worn these weird Deadpool tights on the reunions?
I kind of want to watch this Champs vs Stars spin off thing. Doesn’t seem like any of the spin-offs made it to CBS all access though.
Kailah definitely had the ugliest cry.
Overall thoughts and TL/DR: I actually liked this season. It at least had a decent level of competition, mostly due to splitting the strong vs the weak, and the challenges themselves were pretty good. I am not completely sure I understand the reasoning behind the breakdown of how the season was handled and how the format was decided, but I was fine cutting out a lot of rookies before getting to the actual game. The thing that I didn’t like and what the format did to the game, was that there was very little politics or strategizing. The votes didn’t really matter too much too often because the selection was so limited and the two teams never really intermingled in anything. It seemed about as purely challenge focused as you could get which made for it’s own kind of boring season. It was nice having a lot of these people back, but it was a bummer with the season not really feeling like a true challenge? If that makes sense. Also, as I've said: I feel like these finals have sucked. These finals just aren't the same things that they used to be. Sure they're longer, they have multiple days and grueling elements. But they're no longer a nightmare test of endurance and will. It's multiple sprints spread out through multiple days.
Please don’t bring back Foosball and Nelson.
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